Writing on the Wall
I spent most of my life in the first box. From childhood through my forties, I believed most of what I had been taught about God, how the world works, how I should live, and what happens at the end. It was a package deal, and as long as I didn’t ask a lot of questions, it worked pretty well. My thinking and beliefs continued to evolve and change over the next two decades, but everything still fit neatly in the first box. Then, about seven years ago things started to change. It was gradual, almost imperceptible at first, but like pulling a thread on a sweater, things started to unravel. As I began to ask more and more questions, I realized all my life I had been taught what to think, not how to think. I had been taught what to believe, not how to believe. I understood how Paul Simon felt when he wrote these lines in ‘Kodachrome’: “When I think back on all the crap I learned in high school, it’s wonder I can think at all. But my lack of education hasn’t hurt me none, I can read the writing on the wall.” For me, this was much bigger than what I learned in high school, but you get the point. The experience was both scary and liberating as I left the first box behind.
Out of the Box Experience
The first thing that came unraveled was my relationship with the organized church. It took years of disappointment, leadership failures, and more than a few scandals, but finally disillusionment crept in. What had started as a happy family, had become a dysfunctional one. In my experience, the church had become a type of spiritual organization, and was no longer a living organism. The larger the church, the bigger the business. It’s hard to have a relationship with a building, a budget or a committee, but it feels right to have a relationship with a person. I tried to ignore the other stuff and focus on having meaningful relationships, because the Church is people. This seemed to work for awhile, but I quickly discovered that life in the second box was not going to be comfortable or convenient. Some friends weren’t interested in my questions. Others worried I was drifting into heresy, but some became hostile when my faith explorations posed a threat to their status quo thinking. As questions and conflicts began to pile up, I realized parting ways with the church was just the beginning of my out of the box experience. When I reflected and studied and thought critically about my faith, I encountered much bigger issues. I needed to understand WHY I believed, WHAT I believed. Things get serious when you question what you believe about God, his character, the Bible, and what it means to have a relationship with Jesus. What I was experiencing is called “deconstruction.” It’s challenging and confusing, but also liberating.
What’s with the Boxes?
Boxes are an easy way to think about the stages of how people develop and grow. When you take a closer look, you can start to see a pattern in your own life, in people you know, and even in familiar Bible characters. Richard Rohr is a Franciscan priest, author and activist. He describes a model for spiritual development that makes sense to me. The stages of development are three boxes: order, disorder and reorder. The ultimate goal is reorder, but order is where we all begin. We inherit beliefs and faith traditions from our tribe, family, or group. We start with a very narrow view of the world and expect that everyone thinks the way we do. Instinctively, we try to contain everything in our box, but over time we experience things that don’t fit our paradigm, and that starts to mess with your head. As I thought more critically about what I believed, I started to question everything. I slowly realized that I was not seeing the big picture. The world was not quite as black and white as I had been taught. I left the first box because I wanted to see things in Kodachrome. If the first box was about safety and security, the second box was anything but that. You can decide to move to disorder, or get so caught up in all the questions, doubts, and dilemmas that you wake up one day and realize you’re in the second box.
HGTV Faith
My wife loves the renovation shows on HGTV. Whether it’s “Fixer Upper,” “Flip or Flop,” or “Property Brothers,” the process is the same. The designer and contractor tour the house, weigh the options, and then decide what gets preserved and what gets demolished. Who can forget the expression of joy when Chip Gaines declares, “It’s demo day!” When I had to face my own personal demo day, it occurred to me the deconstruction process works a lot like an HGTV show. As I sorted through what believed and why, some things were worth keeping and other things landed in the dumpster. Deconstruction is real and has become a buzz word in the faith community. Waves of Christians are leaving their faith traditions to seek new ways of understanding and experiencing God. Author and theologian, Bradley Jersak, has called this trend the “Great Deconstruction.” For me, it’s been very challenging, but it’s the only viable way forward. I’m learning that you can’t just deconstruct, you have to rebuild. The goal is to restore your faith by preserving the good stuff, and removing the harmful, toxic stuff that caused doubt and disillusionment. This means you can’t stay in the second (disorder) box indefinitely. Pastor and author Brian Zahnd uses a helpful metaphor to compare the deconstruction process to the way a skilled artisan restores a painting. Working carefully and patiently, the artisan removes years of residue and grime to reveal a hidden masterpiece. My experience has been the same. I had to peel off layer after layer to remove the accumulated gunk that had obstructed my view. When my demo was finished, the non-essential, man-made traditions and toxic theologies landed in the dumpster. Then, I stood back and gazed at a masterpiece: the pure gospel message of God’s love as revealed in Jesus.
A More Christlike God
It’s no exaggeration to say that my deconstruction process has taken over five years. I’ve read books, streamed videos, listened to podcasts, and interacted with people who have mostly supported me on this journey. Although I didn’t see it at the beginning, the end goal was reorder. I wanted to renovate my faith, not lose it. Like a homeowner on HGTV, I decided to “Love it” not “List it”, and my renovated faith looks much different today. I’m grateful for the process and the people who gave me the tools, teaching and inspiration to persevere. For me, there was no real choice. I could no longer accept the rigid, narrow, and often literal view of Scripture I had been conditioned to believe. I came to understand that Jesus, not a book, is The Word of God. Since Jesus IS what God had to say, I’ve started to read the Bible through a different lens. When I encounter an angry, retributive, violent God, I know this is not the Abba that Jesus came to reveal. I try to understand what the author intended to communicate and why. I think about the type of literature I’m reading and the historical context. What did the people of that time period know about God and his nature? These scriptures demand a different interpretation. When I look at Jesus, I see self-giving, radically forgiving, co-suffering love. God is more Christlike than I had ever dared to believe, and that revelation changed everything for me.
Love is What Matters
What you think about God shapes your approach to life, relationships and faith. Most of all, how you see God, defines how you experience love. I grew up with the understanding that God loved me and, over the years, my faith was tested in numerous ways. I never doubted God’s love, but it became clear that some of the things I’d been taught didn’t make sense. Other things were simply not reasonable, rational or even logical. There’s always a sense of mystery when we think about God, but when Bible teachers and pastors try to convince you God, or his followers have acted in a way that does not seem very loving, you should question what they’re teaching. Think red flag with warning bells and sirens. I encourage you to not get stuck in first box (order). But getting stuck in the second box (disorder) can really mess you up, too. No matter what some people tell you, it’s okay to ask questions. You can renovate your faith without losing it. Walking away from an organization might be just what you need, but don’t walk away from people. When you start to explore what you believe and why, you’ll need lots of love and support. Jesus said we should love God, our neighbor and ourself. In the end, his advice is really all that matters.
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Books that have helped me on this faith journey:
A More Christlike God – Bradley Jersak
A More Christlike Word – Bradley Jersak
Her Gates Will Never be Shut – Bradley Jersak
Sinners in the Hands of a Loving God – Brian Zahnd
The Universal Christ – Richard Rohr
Love Wins – Rob Bell
What is the Bible – Rob Bell
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